Purpose

I have mentioned several times to people around the seminary that I find coming back from internship a strikingly lonely experience.  This seems odd, since I had basically nobody out in Oregon last year.  I would play chess with a couple of guys at Wilamette University once a week, and I played some Ultimate Frisbee and went to the gym, but among those groups I don't think I met a single person who I ever "hung out" with outside of the experiences themselves.  I had every right to be lonely on internship.

But here's the thing:  I wasn't.

This isn't some after-the-fact justification of my emotions; I seriously never felt in need of friendship.  Maybe it was only because it was just a year.  Maybe it was because I was so busy... but I think not.

I'm only back at seminary for a year; in fact, even less--just through May.  Yet, I feel more lonely here on a regular basis than I can remember feeling in quite some time.  I'm surrounded by people, many of whom I consider good friends.  I have people to talk to, homework to do, Frisbee games to play, chess tournaments to win... to all rights I should be having a blast.  And I am some of the time.  And other times I can't shake the feeling that something is most definitely off here.

I think it has everything to do with purpose.

I don't know why I'm here.  Now, that might sound sort of funny, because if you know me you know that I am pretty comfortable with where I'm going.  The point, however, isn't where I'm going but where I am at.  I am spontaneous and I live in the moment more than most.  I tend to give up long-term plans for the short-term, and there is nothing I like more than making something happen.

At the Seminary, I'm lacking that sense of fulfillment.  I find myself asking, "What is my purpose here?"  I don't want the answer to be that this is merely a means to an end.  I want to know what I am actually doing here.  That, I think, is the only cure to the loneliness.  Friends are great.  Excursions have been a load of fun.  Classes are actually surprisingly worthwhile.  But without a sense of purpose, this year scares me.  So far I'm getting through the ups and downs.

Yet, I can't stop thinking that there's a bigger purpose for me here.  And I want to find what it is.