There’s a splendid chart I came across at some point in my
life that looks something like this...
It’s titled “Ring Theory.” There’s an inner circle, small, confined, and then several rings growing further and further out. In the inner circle is the aggrieved or afflicted. This is the person who is affected primarily by a loss. Then a step further out is significant others, parents, siblings and the like. Then a step further is true friends. A step further is colleagues. The last ring is lookie loos, which I think is Australian for people who slow down their cars to check out accidents or something like that. In this chart comfort goes in and on the bottom are the words dump OUT with arrows pointing away.
It’s titled “Ring Theory.” There’s an inner circle, small, confined, and then several rings growing further and further out. In the inner circle is the aggrieved or afflicted. This is the person who is affected primarily by a loss. Then a step further out is significant others, parents, siblings and the like. Then a step further is true friends. A step further is colleagues. The last ring is lookie loos, which I think is Australian for people who slow down their cars to check out accidents or something like that. In this chart comfort goes in and on the bottom are the words dump OUT with arrows pointing away.
The
purpose of this chart is to demonstrate the appropriate way that we are to deal
with grief in the case of any profound loss—maybe a death or maybe a personal
loss of some other kind. The appropriate way to address all grief is
inside-out, starting with those most closely affected and moving outward. This
might seem obvious, but in subtle ways people do not get this. The principle is
that those closest to the loss—a spouse, parents, maybe children—get to share
their grief with ALL those further out. And the next ring gets to share their
grief with friends and neighbors further out in the circle and so on. But
nobody gets to share their grief in the other direction. No true friend gets to
lay their emotional burdens on the family; no acquaintance or stranger gets to use
an event as an excuse to dump their own issues on friends or family members.
We’ve all seen this happen. If you haven’t it might be because you’re the
person who does it.
This is
why I’m always nervous opening up the mic at funerals to whomever may come up.
Most people who get up to talk at a funeral—90% at least—do a great job of
honoring the person who died and they express emotions appropriately without
laying their emotional burdens on those closer to the situation, but there’s
sometimes that person who stands up and who, for whatever reason, lacks the emotional
intelligence to understand on which ring they are standing. It’s a friend or
acquaintance who plays up their emotions over those closer to the loss, or it’s
even a close friend or extended family member who feels the need to tell the
family how they should be feeling.
