The Sad Odyssey of the Discovery Channel

I have long been a fan of the Discovery Channel. I have even written about it before on this blog (as in right here), but I think those days are sadly at an end. It's been a long, slow and tedious fall from grace for the channel that was once about the only thing I would watch on television, and I wonder how it's gotten this far. I guess, as a mid-twenties male, this is one of the first things I will someday look back upon as the good ol' days, wondering all the while why they would leave behind what was so good for what is now so contrived and superficial. But before we get there it behooves me to start at the beginning--when things were good and Survivorman marathons frequent.

It was 2006 when the Discovery Channel and I began our close relationship, and oh, the good times we had! Those were simpler days. There was Cash Cab, a lightning-fast, if slightly dumbed-down, game show that took place in a New York City taxi cab; Deadliest Catch, the fascinating real-life story of crab fishing in the Bering Sea; Dirty Jobs, hosted by the always entertaining Mike Rowe; Man vs Wild, a fun, though definitely contrived and not at all realistic portrayal of survival in the wild; Planet Earth, the series that redefined how "nature" video was shot; Survivorman, which was basically a more realistic and far more interesting version of Man vs Wild; and, of course, Mythbusters, the crowning jewel of the Discovery lineup.

My first duathlon: A recap

There's something awfully great about working toward a goal for a long time and finally completing the work. The harder the goal; the more rewarding the finish line. That was certainly the case this weekend. After the Thief River Falls triathlon in May I made the decision that Ngede was the next, big goal, and I started to work doggedly toward that goal. This weekend I finally did it. The verdict? Hard. Awfully hard. But worth it. Well worth it.

First of all I should say I am indebted to Peter and Janelle Rimmereid for giving me a place to stay on Friday night, even though they were out of town. That made preparation so much easier (driving six miles in the morning rather than over an hour was very helpful). Also, it was great to see people I haven't seen in awhile--Wapo people, seminary people, and all of that. Doing this with familiar friends certainly helped.

With that, let's get to the race. When I arrived at Ox Lake for the start I went through the normal routine of checking over the bikes and warming up, which is usually pretty uneventful. However, if there's one thing I've learned from things like this it is that something--usually little--always goes wrong. This time the problem was more than a little one. When I got around to testing the road bike, checking shifting and all that, I ran into a serious problem. When I accelerated or put a lot of pressure on the pedals the chain was slipping on the gears quite badly. The chain was brand new, which could mean only one thing: the teeth on the rear cassette were worn down. This was something the bike shop had told me was not a problem, but now I was finding it most certainly was. Unfortunately, there was no way to fix this. I would simply have to ride with slipping gears. My best leg (the road bike) was starting to look a lot more challenging.

The other thing was the humidity. It wasn't super hot--right around 72 degrees at start time--but the humidity was around 75% and it meant almost nothing was evaporating. And the thing is I sweat A LOT. It's something we Scandanavians struggle with--we are very white. So, that would prove to be an additional challenge.

10k road run
As always the race started at much too fast a pace. I ran with a group (not the lead group, mind you) that did the first and second miles at 7:10 pace, which considering the hills was blistering (both for me and for most of the others). Some of them were relay runners, but several were individuals like myself. I hung at the back of the group, aware we were running too fast. However, I felt pretty good. The legs were good and I was probably pushing myself around 75%, which was only slightly harder than I would have liked.

Predictably, the times slowed down. My mile times went from 7:10 and 7:10 to 7:35 and 8:00, then a bit over 8 minutes for the last two miles. My goal time was between 47 and 48 minutes, which is about 4 minutes slower than my personal best. I wanted to leave plenty of energy for the next three legs, so I consciously slowed down for the last couple of miles (especially mile 5 which was largely uphill). I even let the small group around me put a little distance between us. I could have closed down the gap, but I knew this was most definitely not a sprint. So, I finished at the back of a group of five--four of which were individuals. My time? 47:50... I was pretty content with that.

10k mountain bike
I knew this was going to be a tough leg. It was much harder than I thought. The elevation change was tough--lots of big hills, some of which also had sand that made riding extremely difficult. The only time I had ever "mashed the gnar" (that's for you, Evan) was prior to my buddy Jesson's wedding last year, which was considerably easier only because of the superior bicycle I was riding and--I can't stress this enough--the clip pedals. I discovered very quickly that riding a mountain bike without clip pedals is just tough. The hills are just awful. Hear that again: awful. Also the shocks, while good, were not good enough to save my back from taking a serious beating.

As the ride went along I felt worse and worse. My back was tightening up. Two guys who I had passed earlier came back and passed me, and I was focusing mostly on not being in pain. I never thought I would have a fast time, but my time was becoming slow, slower and slowest. This leg just never seemed to end. When I finally came out of the woods I was just so thankful to get off the bike that it didn't really matter how fast I finished, but the clock showed I was slow. Right around 0:38:00.

25k road bike
Remember the state of my bike? Well, yes, it sucked. I mean, I'm a good road bicyclist. I'm no cycling star; it's not like I'm going to average 24 mph like some insane triathletes do, but 20 mph is in the picture on a good day. Also, the Ngede course is absolutely made for my strengths. It is filled with short little hills that are absolutely in my wheelhouse. I could have gained a lot of time here (last year when I raced this course as part of a relay I finished with the second fastest time on the longer 40k bike course in spite of crashing and losing 2-3 minutes fixing my bike... and my injuries). Unfortunately, my slipping gears killed any chance of a similar performance this year. I wasn't going to empty the tank--what with the tough trail run yet to come--but I planned on having a very solid, 19+ mph ride. That simply was impossible given the mechanical issues.

So I was a little frustrated. But here's the thing: I still passed people. I passed one of the guys who had passed me on the mountain bike. My time wasn't fast, but it wasn't a complete disaster. I didn't keep up a 19 mph pace, but I did average 18 mph over hills... so considering the situation I wasn't unhappy. But on the other hand, I expended A LOT more energy getting that 18 mph than I otherwise would have. So, that's all I have to say about that. This leg: 51:30.

"5k" trail run
The first thing you need to know about this is the "" around 5k. This was NOT 5k. It's funny/cruel that the two big races I did this year--the TRF tri and Ngede--both advertised their closing runs as "5k"s and neither was particularly close to accurate. The TRF tri was actually 3.28 miles--or 5.3k. Ngede was even more cruel. I was told afterwards that it was more like 6.2k. That's a whole freaking 1.2k extra... over AWFUL hills.

About a half mile into the "run" I realized there was no way I would be doing anything approaching running up some of those hills. I have talked with long distance trail runners before who told me that many people walk up steep hills to save their legs, and I quickly decided that was a good philosophy. At first I was walking up sharp hills--anything that looked over about 4%--then it slowly became every hill big or small, long or short. This course was incredibly hard. It would have been a tough route if it was the only thing I was running, but after three events it was deathly hard.

I felt miserable. My only brief encouragement was that I wasn't getting passed. In fact, I passed two people in front of me over the course and I saw two more a bit ahead though I never could make the pass. Clearly, this was miserable for more than just me. It was almost cruel. Scratch that, it was. I finished right around 36:00 at an average pace of 9:22. That seems slow... and yet, not at all. I walked a lot. My "run" was more like a painful slog. I was just happy to be done. So happy. It was just incredible to no longer be moving forward, whether on a bike or my two feet.

I finished in 2:59:10.

Three hours was a goal of mine, but I realized on the final leg that the time no longer mattered. Neither did it matter who I finished before or after. All that mattered was doing it. After the finish line I struggled to cool down. I overheated like crazy. The humidity meant that little of my sweat was being wicked away. Eventually, I got ice packs on the neck, forehead and arm pits and slowly started to come back to normal. Food started to look attractive again. I was starting to come around.

So, the big question is what's next. Truthfully, I don't know. I'm not sure if I'll be back for Ngede next year, or if there will be another big challenge on the horizon. My next race is in two weeks. There is a half marathon run/bike/rollerblade from Hallock to Lancaster on September 8 with an additional 10k option. I think I will probably run the 10k... or possibly make up for my poor cycling performance by crushing the bike ride. Other than that, there are no firm races on the calendar. I plan on improving my fitness over the winter, then we'll see what next year has in store!

Til then, happy duathlon-ing!

Unapologetic nationalism and other great things about the Olympics

In my more idealistic moments I resonate strongly with Eugene Debs' famous quote: "I have no country to fight for; my country is the earth, and I am a citizen of the world." I tend to think that the things that separate us, especially nationalism in all its various forms, are exactly those things that dehumanize and vilify "others." In the long run, I'm not sure there's much difference between lifting up the virtues of one's nation above all others and lifting up one's race or one's ethnic heritage--with the small distinction that you can sometimes, but not always, choose your national residence. And yet, I am the most single-minded champion of rooting for Team USA in an array of sporting events every time the Olympics come around.

Stephen Colbert's satirical 2010 poster

Count me a hypocrite, I guess.

Sports are certainly not immune to violence in their nationalistic passions, so it's not as if I can excuse my enamorment for team USA on the grounds that nothing significant is on the line. We have to look no further than the Munich massacre at the 1972 Summer Olympics or the bombing at the 1996 Atlanta Summer Games to find the real-life cost of sport. And yet, here I am, cheering for the home team, and, perhaps more importantly, cheering against the rest of the world.

In order to rationalize this, we have to start with the essence of competition in sport: the desire to win. There's a rather (in)famous quote from Herm Edwards, in response to a question about his team playing meaningless games, where he lets loose with a punctuated and direct retort, "You play to win the game!" The goal is simple: win. Now, it might be too simple to keep emotions and passions out of that one objective, but at its heart sports is not about demoralizing or dehumanizing the opponent; it is about winning.

Things get more complicated when you introduce fans into the mix. Fans are crazy beasts. They don't know what they are doing and they have less justification still for their beliefs and passions. Some come armed with stats, but in sports everybody has stats and stats alone never won anything. The chasm between statistical evidence and actuality is a gulf we are hardly closer to bridging even in the sabermetric era. Fans try to justify their superiority, they get caught up in prideful arrogance and they lack even a grain of objectivity. It's the reason half the fans in the stadium will yell "Balk!" when an opposing pitcher wheels to throw to second while twiddling their thumbs when their own pitcher does the same thing. Fans are the folks who cause problems; fans are subject to the mob mentality.

That's why it's even more abhorrent that I have this passion for team USA since I am very much a fan. Yet, I'm hopeful that that's where the similarities end. There is something about the Olympics that encompasses more than nationalistic pride. For every controversial moment (including tonight when the USA will almost certainly not dip our flag to the queen), there is something about coming together in an event that rises above nationalism. My pride in team USA has little to do with dislike of other countries--even if there are certain athletes and even teams I cannot stand. The Olympics is a time when we don't need an excuse to root for those of us in our midst. It's not so different from rooting for the home team, except there is a clear sense that every American is in this together.

So I'm OK with rooting on team USA. It's not going to stop me anyway, but I hope the games remain more than that. I hope that even when the Americans lose the humanity of the games wins out. Sports are kind of a silly thing to make such a significant difference in the emotions of people all over the world, and yet, they are in some ways the fairest of grounds to meet one another and discover our common humanity.

The Christian's guide to fallacy: Episode 1

This series has been a long time coming (and when I say series I mean 1, 2, 7 or 25 posts... I don't know how many, it depends on how many of you read this and suggest that you like it). As a pastor, I cannot tell you how often I hear poor reasoning in my line of work. I suppose it shouldn't be a surprise that somebody who works frequently at the intersection of religious beliefs and politics in a culture full of internet trolls would run into senseless arguments. However, I am astounded at how often those involved in these conflicts neglect to point out the error in their opponent's argument, instead devolving into petty insults or stammering uncontrollably.

It struck me, finally, that we aren't very well trained in responding to a fallacious argument. We don't know on what grounds something doesn't make sense; we just know we don't like it. So here's my hope with this blog series: I want to demonstrate commonly used fallacies through the lens of arguments I hear directed towards Christians, from Christians or between Christians. These are, in short, the kinds of arguments I hear on a daily basis. In fact, all of them are a version of an argument I have heard at least once. This is one part theology, one part epistemology and one part just plain fun.
NOTE: Definitions for fallacies are taken from several sources, including Wikipedia and Cal-Fullerton.

Fallacious Statement #1: "When the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America passed a resolution allowing homosexual clergy, God sent a tornado to knock the cross off the church across the block."

Response- That is post hoc ergo proctor hoc: Since that event followed this one, that event must have been caused by this one. Please notice that illogical arguments often tend to be bad theology. They assume not only what God does but how to interpret God's will. Is it possible that God acts through the weather to send us a message? Yes, but short of divine explanation we cannot by measure of reason determine what that message is. Remember, the disciples were as close to Jesus as anyone and they never managed to understand what he meant by his parables. Who are you to think you know better? As a pastor at my home church pointed out, maybe God was upset that Central Lutheran wasn't tithing enough.

Fallacious Statement #2: "There are so few youth in church anymore. I am so sad that young people don't believe in God."

Response- That is a hasty generalization, which involves making a hasty conclusion without considering all of the variables. Another, inverse example of this would be: "Young people have such stronger faith than the older folks."

Fallacious statement #3: "I can believe whatever I want because all beliefs are equally valid."

Response- That is an appeal to ignorance, because the statement asserts that a proposition is true because it has not yet been proven false. This is an awfully tricky one because it rolls both ways. A Christian could say --and we sometimes do--that the burden of proof is on the atheist, which would be equally fallacious. Rather, the key word here is whatever. Not all things are equally true simply because they have yet to be proven false. The triviality of a thing plays an important role, as in Russell's teapot.

Fallacious statement #4: "Either your church is traditional and conservative, in which case you are ignorant and hateful; or your church is free-thinking and liberal, in which case you are no different from an NGO and you don't actually believe anything."

Response- This is a false dilemma (black-and-white or either/or fallacy), which implies that one of two outcomes is inevitable, often citing both as having negative consequences.

The Second Tri-Annual Fantasy Box Office Draft

Last night, six of us gathered around a table to play some poker and, more importantly, draft movies that are released in the next four months. For a third of the year our movies will battle against one-another for the grand prize of $60. Six will enter, one will come out victorious. As your reigning champion, I know only that this time our draft was smarter, our picks better and our rules greatly improved.

Each person gets $100 fake money to bid on a roster of 6 movies. They are also allowed to "pick up" 2 movies during the season. Movies score based on top 10 weekly box office receipts. Pretty simple. With no further ado, the draft.

The Avengers
Winning Bid: $48 to Frank

I had this projected #1 for this season and I was willing to go big to get it. Also, I figured some movies I liked would slip through the cracks, so it wasn't a big deal to spend this kind of money to get it (By the way, this is the same total that Twilight went for last season, but it finished only third overall in our format. I'm hoping for more than that.)

The Hunger Games
Winning Bid: $49 to Pipp

Excited to see the movie. It will do well. Well enough to justify Pipp's big price? I dunno. I see this as a top 5 movie, but it could be anywhere between 1-5 and spending top dollar could come back to bite Joe.

The Lorax
Winning Bid: $20 to Kate

The absolute steal of the draft came third overall. Everybody panicked. We were spending a lot on the first two movies and Kate jumped all over this. I would have bid against her, except she probably would have killed me. I told her I would have gone as high as $32, even already having The Avengers. Anyway, a great pick. Could be the #1 movie of this season and for only 1/5 of her budget.

Battleship
Winning Bid: $31 to Steve

This starts a trend of movies that went for about the price I thought they should. This will do well and the bidding went up accordingly. After all, it's basically Transformers on water.

21 Jump Street
Winning Bid: $23 to Niemi

The only problem with this pick is that Pipp took the bidding up to $22, making Niemi get it for $23 instead of the much more poetic $21.

Men in Black III
Winning Bid: $48 to Steve

Steve already knows where I stand on this. I think he overpaid. I have this as the 7th best movie of the season in part because it will only get five weeks to run before the end of the season and largely because there are a lot of big movies coming out in June (Snow White... Madagascar... Prometheus... Rock of Ages... Abraham Lincoln:Vampire Hunter... Brave) I'd be scared it gets swallowed up after a first week #1. (For the record I have it going 1, 2, 4, 6, 9 in the five weeks)

The Raven
Winning Bid: $24 to Frank

The macabre, murder-mystery thriller starring John Cusack as Edgar Allen Poe looks like a fantastic film. The tricky part is it comes out with three other wide releases. Whichever of those comes out #1 should have a great run with only The Avengers in the next week. I liked the price.

Snow White and the Huntsman
Winning Bid: $27 to Kate

How to value movies with June releases? On the one hand, it's hard to say Kate has much upside here (It will only be in theaters 4 weeks), but then again if it's a sure thing to stay in the top ten it could still be a top 10 movie for the season.

John Carter
Winning Bid: $28 to Allan

Allan finally gets a movie and, as Steve said, it looks like a really stupid one. But as I proved last season with Jack and Jill, bad does not necessarily equal bad at the box office. I like this pick actually. It got a spot during the Super Bowl and people will go because it's Disney.

The Three Stooges
Winning Bid: $15 to Allan

Allan goes back-to-back with good picks. This movie might have a low ceiling, but it is also a pretty safe choice. I'm not sure how the stooges humor will play with our generation, but I can't imagine it doesn't get some play.

Pirates! Band of Misfits
Winning Bid: $17 to Niemi

Another of the four wide releases on April 27 (and by the way, the only one I don't own), I was scared by the stop animation. Adventures of Tintin had different animation, but I can't help but think it'll play similarly, and it pretty well bombed out of last season's Box Office League. So, I was scared, but we'll see. Not a bad price to take a chance.

Wrath of the Titans
Winning Bid: $12 to Pipp

Good price. Low-risk, high-reward. Sequels are a good bet to do alright. Well, except for Happy Feet Two. Come to think of it, no, I don't think this movie will do well, but whatever... not a bad price. OK, I'm already sick of talking about a Titans sequel. Let's move on.

Titanic 3D
Winning Bid: $22 to Kate

I really like Kate's team (and no, I'm not just saying that). I can see why people were scared; Beauty and the Beast and Star Wars: The Phantom Menace have been big disappointments in season 1. But I can't help but think Titanic is different. This is exactly the kind of movie people are waiting for, and it was obviously one of the biggest movies ever on its initial release. I'd expect it to do more in line with The Lion King than the latest 3D flops. Also, it comes out at a good time.

What to Expect When You're Expecting
Winning Bid: $18 to Kate

I told Kate that she could probably get this one cheap, since she's bidding against a bunch of guys. Actually, the price ended up being about right. I expect this movie to open 3rd, but it could very well last 5-6 weeks in the top ten.

A Thousand Words
Winning Bid: $5 to Pipp

For those of you keeping score at home, Pipp now has three March movies... out of 3.

American Reunion
Winning Bid: $7 to Allan

Lesson #1 of Fantasy Box Office: Don't draft with your heart. But I just couldn't even pretend to want this movie. Thanks for taking it, Allan. I feel better for not having it.

The Dictator
Winning Bid: $23 to Niemi

Overpriced for my liking. Has Cohen ever done anything that's a real hit at the box office? Borat was funny, but I don't think it set the box office on fire. This looks worse than that.

Project X
Winning Bid: $20 to Allan

The nice part about drafting movies that come out in the first week of the season is that you know what you've got pretty quickly. If this movie opens #2 it's a good pick, but if any of the February movies stay in front of it, it would be a problem.

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted
Winning Bid: $14 to Pipp

The funny part is that Pipp said he didn't even bring a list of movies that come out in June. Then he bid and won on a movie with a June 8 release date. Three weeks of this movie should still be quite good, though, and I expect it to score 20+ points, which would make it a good value. No upside, though.

Mirror Mirror
Winning Bid: $12 to Allan

The Snow White movies are out in full force. I don't know about this one. Julia Roberts is nice, but Snow White doesn't look, you know, pretty. And that seems kind of important when she's supposed to be fairest of them all, isn't it? Especially when you have two other Snow Whites in Once Upon a Time (Ginnifer Goodwin) and Snow White and the Huntsman (Kristen Stewart) who are attractive (and one of them can even act!).

Rock of Ages
Winning Bid: $4 to Kate

Good, cheap movie. She'll only get two weeks of play so the ceiling is awfully low. It'll be 10-16 points and for the value that's not so bad.

Scary Movie V
Winning Bid: $1 to Allan

Allan's last movie pick is a bit strange. This isn't in wide release and the only question is whether it ever cracks the top ten.

The Cabin in the Woods
Winning Bid: $8 to Niemi

I like this pick. The movie looks interesting; a mash of horror-comedy-thriller-sci-fi-drama-action-mystery flick. I really don't know what to make of it. People may be intrigued and see it, or confused and avoid it.

Chimpanzee
Winning Bid: $8 to Steve

This should be the most successful Earth Day picture in the history of these Disney Nature pics. The problem is that none of them have been very successful. Last year's African Cats opened 6th. This should open top 4, but I don't see it much higher than that and I doubt it lasts more than three weeks in the top ten.

Dark Shadows
Winning Bid: $19 to Niemi

I wanted this one, but the bidding just got too high. This could be a huge surprise movie this season. It opens the week after The Avengers so a #1 seems a bit too much to hope for, but realistically opening at #2 is a possibility. If it can stay in the top ten 5-6 weeks this could be an absolute steal.

The Lucky One
Winning Bid: $9 to Kate

The moral of the story is that Kate will draft all Nicholas Sparks novels-turned-to-movies. This is probably about the right price and a very safe pick, as long as women still exist on the planet come April 20. If so, she'll be fine.

The Five-Year Engagement
Winning Bid: $7 to Frank

The second movie I drafted that comes out April 27. It's like handcuffing your Running Back in Fantasy Football, and at a safe price.

Iron Sky
Winning Bid: $1 to Niemi

Worth a flier. Why not? Steve hit one on the head with Chronicle last season and this is similar to that pick. Joe will be hoping for similar production.

Bullet to the Head
Winning Bid: $5 to Pipp

Eh, don't like this so much. Filling out the roster, I get it, but I don't see this doing well.

Silent House
Winning Bid: $5 to Frank

Horror movies are just safe picks (at least ones in wide release). Plus, this is an early season release. It won't open higher than third, but four weeks of play in the top ten aren't out of the question.

Chernobyl Diaries
Winning Bid: $1 to Steve

Steve trying to channel another Chronicle pick. Who knows? There's almost no info on this flick, but it's supposed to be a wide release. Could be a steal.

Casa de mi Padre
Winning Bid: $6 to Pipp

Wow. No idea what to make of this. Somebody had to draft it, right? Will anybody see this? Will I see this? How can I not? And if I'm compelled to see Will Ferrell with Spanish subtitles won't other people? I'm already regretting not bidding on this movie. And yet, who the hell knows?

Prometheus
Winning Bid: $1 to Frank

Three weeks of top ten production for $1? I'll take it. 20 points is possible. 17-18 points is more realistic and would be just fine.

Safe
Winning Bid: $15 to Frank

It was just Steve and I, and he nominated the movie at the top of my list. So, I ended up with three April 27 releases. I feel good about that because not much comes out after it; just The Avengers the next week (which I also own). Could I have four in the top five for two weeks in a row? A definite possibility. The points are racking up in my head already.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Winning Bid: $1 to Steve

Brave
Winning Bid: $1 to Steve

I'll combine these two last picks because they have a single, unified problem: They only get one week of play time. One week. That means a ceiling of 10 points each. 19 points between the two of them. That's a problem, as much as Steve wants to suggest otherwise. I would have taken a flier on Think Like a Man or Seeking Justice at this point, but that's what the waiver wire's for!

Good luck!

Short-and-to-the-Point Book Review #2: Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

This year I have challenged myself to read 60 books on a variety of subject matter--fiction, non-fiction, philosophy, theology, environmental issues, pop culture, literature, etc. For each book I plan on posting a short-and-to-the-point review (1-2 paragraphs max), a recommendation and a grade. Hope you enjoy!

To see my progress or check my other reviews click the page link above entitled, "2012 Book Challenge"

2002, HarperCollins

Review
I first started this book over a year ago on the advice of a friend. I got into it quickly. It's humorous and sarcastic; the kind of book you will not enjoy without a fair liking for sacrilege. The story follows Joshua (the Christ) and his buddy, Biff. In essence it serves as a humorous account largely of the time spent between Christ's birth and ministry (the area in which the Gospels are supremely lacking). Lamb is witty but also crude in spades. If you don't like thinking about sex and Jesus, again, it's probably not for you. The weirdest part of this story, however, is that it tries to be both sarcastic and serious. By the time we get to Jesus' life the humor strangely gives way to a semi-serious retelling of the passion.

Recommendation
There's a reason I put this book down and took well over a year to get back into it. It's long. Now I have no problem with reading a lot--hence this entire 60 books in a year escapade--but in this case the story feels like it just keeps going. I enjoy Moore's humor in small doses but here it seems to extend ad infinitum. I ended up feeling disjointed, a bit lost, and it seemed I had read something neither funny enough to make up for its senselessness or profound enough to make up for its sacrilege. There is certainly an audience for this book; I think it simply isn't me.

Grade:
D+

Geographical Regions of America

This post is a direct response to Kate's insistence that Ohio is part of the Midwest. Basically, I have found this frequently: people from a place refer to their home region with a term that doesn't make sense. Ohio in the mid-west, really?

OK, this isn't just a rant against Ohio. In fact, I think a lot of regions of the U.S. are mistakenly named. The best regional name includes features of a landscape that are similar and remains something that people can describe. So, as much I may think of Ohio, Kentucky and parts of Indiana as the Ohio River Valley region that doesn't really work either. I doubt a person from Toledo is going to say, "Yeah, I'm Ohio River Valleyan" in the way they'd say "I'm Midwestern."

Also, I want to stay away from terms used negatively about an area. Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania is not, to me, part of the Rust Belt anymore than Utah is part of the Mormon belt. It strikes me suddenly that maybe Ohio's problem is that they can lay claim to too many things.

But anyway, on to the business at hand. For the sake of simplicity, no state is broken up into parts, though clearly many have varying geographical and self-identifying features. This is for ease of description. The following is a list, by geographical region, of the new names for U.S. Regions:

Salmon Lands: Alaska, Washington, and Oregon
Big Sun: Hawaii, California
Desert-land: Nevada, Arizona and New Mexico
The Peaks: Idaho, Montana, Colorado, Utah, Wyoming
Amber Waves of Grain: North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, Iowa, Illinois
Many Lakes: Minnesota and Wisconsin
Hoosier Lands: Indiana
Ozark Country: Missouri, Arkansas
The Cumberland: Kentucky, Tennessee
Coal Zone: Pennsylvania, West Virginia
Millions of Peaches: Georgia
Hurricania: Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, South Carolina
Colonial Land: North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Delaware
Great Lakes: Michigan, Ohio
Heart of the Hudson: New York, New Jersey
The Ivies: Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts
Bed-and-Breakfast Land: New Hampshire, Vermont
The Big Lobster: Maine